WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Mugshot attire procured

MIRANDA – Forward-looking grey market merchant and sometime defendant Reed Sidavis has chosen a full ensemble for his imminent arrest and mugshot.

Sidavis, a self-styled entrepreneur who offers a full range of services and solutions “on the periphery of the mainstream,” estimates that he has a high probability of being taken into custody by law enforcement officials in the near future.

“I can’t get into specifics, but they definitely want to talk to me,” said Sidavis. “So I’m going to make sure and project an appropriate image for my line of work.”

For the photograph that will result from his likely apprehension, Sidavis plans to wear a tank top shirt and sagging cargo shorts that show off his satin boxers.

“Only the shirt will be in the photo, so that’s the most important part. I bought two so I can be sure to have one on if and when I get nabbed again.”

Sidavis is safeguarding against a repeat of his previous arrest, during which he was wearing a borrowed polo shirt.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Archerfish kicked out of saloon
METRO

Archerfish kicked out of saloon

PLATTE CITY, NE – An archerfish was ejected from the Grunion Saloon late yesterday afternoon when he would not refrain

Bison At Yellowstone Park Know What Traffic Is, They Are Just Messing With You
LIFE

Bison At Yellowstone Park Know What Traffic Is, They Are Just Messing With You

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY – Despite helpful commentary from park rangers, who warn drivers to give deference to bison wandering

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top