WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Mug owner approaches breaking point

SCRANTON, PA – Doting mug owner Michael Guffin has had his favorite mug taken carelessly for the last time, and is ready to snap if it happens again, sources say.

Bender Associates, the insurance firm where Guffin works as a claims verifier, has a number of community mugs available, but he maintains a mug for private use.

“Sometimes there’s not a clean mug, so you take what’s there,” said Eric Ingle, claims adjuster. “Mike needs to get a grip.”

To safeguard against unauthorized taking of his mug, Guffin emblazoned a terse warning across his mug. He was quoted as saying there would be harsh consequences if he is not taken seriously.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Heroic driver enforces speed limit for everyone

Heroic driver enforces speed limit for everyone

ROCHESTER, NY – A self-appointed guardian of local traffic laws has upheld the compulsory speed limit for all motorists, at

Homeschooled teenage boy caught with stack of evolution magazines

Homeschooled teenage boy caught with stack of evolution magazines

HOVINDA – A mother caught her 15-year-old boy Tuesday with dozens of publications that describe in explicit detail the theoretical

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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