WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Motorcycles made louder with science

KANTHEARYA, NE – Murica Motors has released the loudest production motorcycle in history with the T-5000, with a peak loudness of 145 decibels, louder than a jet engine.

Representatives of Murica would not comment on the specifics of the technology, except to say that the core emulates a pneumatic riveter, helping the engine to surpass the 125 db pain threshold.

“Ordinary muffler absence would not do the trick, so we had to come up with something else to cause the target amount of hearing loss and distress,” said lead developer Ruddy Wallace. “A joke among plant engineers is that the T is for Tinnitus.”

“With high sound pressure levels we already contribute to cardiovascular disease and increases in blood pressure and vasoconstriction. This breakthrough allows the motor to augment that effect by ramping up stress levels of bystanders. It makes loud sounds seem louder, causing headaches and irritability. The new TK5000 Motor makes every day activities like conversation or watching television impossible within a large radius. Try and get a baby to sleep through one of these things outside the house.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Reunion reminds classmates why they never interacted in high school

Reunion reminds classmates why they never interacted in high school

CRESTFALL – Graduates at Crestfall High’s 1998 class reunion refreshed their memory as to why they never communicated, socialized, hung

Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

Bungee Jumping Criminal Receives Suspended Sentence

GORGE CANYON, VT – Expert bungee jumper and alleged bank robber Skip Saltaro received a suspended sentence in his trial

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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