WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Mother-in-law doesn’t understand why you don’t buy generic

HENNEPEC – What with the rising cost of everything, your mother-in-law just doesn’t see why you would buy anything name brand.

It’s exactly the same thing in a different box, according to that nice man on the Today show. Perhaps if you saved a little money on groceries, you could afford that GameBox thing that you spend all your time playing instead of looking for a better job.

If you would read the labels, you would see that there is no appreciable difference. Then you could start putting some savings away for your mother-in-law’s grandchildren’s college fund. Hey, there’s an idea, maybe you could start by making some grandchildren. And feed them generic food, too.

Your mother-in-law does not mean to pry, she’s just saying. What could it hurt? And since we’re on the subject of saving, did you have to get the most expensive car out there? What is it with these youngsters today and the sunroof? Your wife’s father, God rest his soul, was perfectly happy for forty years with his Dodge. No sunroof. AM radio. It still drives like the day he got it.

So it was a name brand car. That is beside your mother-in-law’s point. If there had been a store brand car, he would have gotten that. Oh, fine, fine, walk away. Walk away like you do from any difficult situation. One day you’ll see.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Ambassador to Alderaan dismissed abruptly

Ambassador to Alderaan dismissed abruptly

NEW YORK, NY – Ambassador to Alderaan Christopher “Kit” Tosche found himself without a job today right in the middle

Ant colony splits into agrarian/conquest factions

Ant colony splits into agrarian/conquest factions

PISMIRE – A colony of several hundred thousand ants (Vespoidea Formicidae) has passed a ballot referendum to sever the ties

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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