VAPERTON, IL – An all-terrain monster truck with 66-inch, 800-pound tires and $1,600 shock absorbers came to a complete stop today to traverse the 3-inch-high speed bump in its apartment complex.
The truck, named “Stompinator”, spends most of its time in this parking lot when it is not in monster truck competitions, crushing junk cars and jumping gigantic dirt mounds. Its driver, Mack Stompinato, is very careful about road hazards outside of the arena.
“You should see him at a railroad crossing,” said neighbor Gabrielle Hopkins. “Five or six cars will pile up waiting for him to get over the tracks.”
Other witness accounts support the assertion that Stompinato regularly engages prominences in the road with gradual, methodical precision, at least when he’s not bounding over old school buses or airliners on an indoor mud track. Low curbs, sidewalk easements, large sticks, and potholes all get deferential treatment.
Stompinato could not be reached for comment due to an ongoing argument with a neighbor whose own monster truck door hit Stompinado’s.