WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Monster Truck Brought To Standstill By Speed Bump

The Stompinator, maneuvering diagonally to minimize strain on each shock absorber.

VAPERTON, IL – An all-terrain monster truck with 66-inch, 800-pound tires and $1,600 shock absorbers came to a complete stop today to traverse the 3-inch-high speed bump in its apartment complex.

The Stompinator later in the day, moments before setting all 11,000 pounds of its weight down from a 30-foot jump.

The truck, named “Stompinator”, spends most of its time in this parking lot when it is not in monster truck competitions, crushing junk cars and jumping gigantic dirt mounds. Its driver, Mack Stompinato, is very careful about road hazards outside of the arena.

“You should see him at a railroad crossing,” said neighbor Gabrielle Hopkins. “Five or six cars will pile up waiting for him to get over the tracks.”

Other witness accounts support the assertion that Stompinato regularly engages prominences in the road with gradual, methodical precision, at least when he’s not bounding over old school buses or airliners on an indoor mud track. Low curbs, sidewalk easements, large sticks, and potholes all get deferential treatment.

Stompinato could not be reached for comment due to an ongoing argument with a neighbor whose own monster truck door hit Stompinado’s.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Cruton, the fold-out couch made from stale bread

Cruton, the fold-out couch made from stale bread

EVANSVILLE, IN – Today furniture manufacturer Crustley launched Cruton, a new line of futons constructed from discarded and rebaked bread.

Hamster tycoon purchases Mall of America

Hamster tycoon purchases Mall of America

BLOOMINGTON, MN – The largest enclosed shopping mall in the U.S. has been purchased by a billionaire hamster and converted

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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