WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Molar eclipse stuns observers

SAN JUAN, PR – Ordinarily, an eclipse occurs when the Moon travels between Earth and the Sun, or when Earth gets between the Moon and Sun, creating a partial or even total shadow on the one farthest from the Sun. People travel far and wide to catch these events, and their appeal dates back to antiquity.

This year, watchers were delighted when an unexpected celestial object occluded the sun. Molar 2008 BR32 emerged in the middle of the day, casting a curious tint across the landscape. People went wild, because nobody had anticipated the event.

“That’s definitely a molar,” said amateur astronomer Blake Ruger, who was in town for an unrelated conference. “Can’t tell if it’s human, but I’d bet anything it’s at least primate.”

As the discoverer of the molar, Ruger claimed naming rights, adding his initials and the 32 for the number of teeth an adult typically has. There presently is no agency with which to register this information, and observatories around the world have yet to confirm Ruger’s findings.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Barcode joke doesn’t scan

Barcode joke doesn’t scan

MCINTOSH, MN – One bad joke spoiled the barrel at a recent party, as its core appeal was not fruitful.

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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