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Mini black hole stolen, suspect presumed spaghettified

The suspect is still at large, and may be on the run in a parallel universe.

GENEVA – A miniature black hole that was stolen from the Large Hadron Collider at CERN underneath the Franco-Swiss border has apparently consumed the person who stole it.

“According to our current theories, he was stretched into a long, thin shape by the overwhelming gravitational field,” said security officer Jean Lourd. “He has crossed the event horizon and is now part of the black hole. The chances are very slim that we will apprehend the subject for questioning.”

Officers on the scene did not fire any shots, although Lourd pointed out that the bullets would be in no danger of ricocheting out of the singularity.

An investigation will look into how the suspect infiltrated the secure facility and absconded with the black hole. “Containment and clean up will also be a very high priority,” said Lourd.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Jellyfish-based contact lens recalled

Jellyfish-based contact lens recalled

SANTA CLARITA – The maker of a jellyfish-based contact lens is recalling all of its products in the wake of

Embattled politician blames troubles on getting caught

Embattled politician blames troubles on getting caught

WASHINGTON – Congressman Wayne Clipper of the 6th district solidly placed the blame of his current woes on the discovery

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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