WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Microwaved CD reviews better than original

BRIGHTON – A microwaved copy of the CD “Hooked on Prog” was accidentally submitted to a reviewer and received higher marks than the actual CD.

“The publicist’s assistant used the case as a trivet while making instant mac & cheese, so he wouldn’t have to hold the hot bowl,” said music critic Neville Gaines. “He sent it in by accident, and I honestly forgot that I’d reviewed this CD before.”

Gaines popped in the CD and found the damaged disc “striking in its appearance as well as its sonic audacity.” He lauded the imaginative use of white noise and exotic time signatures.

“Striking in its appearance as well as its sonic audacity.”

This was in stark contrast to his previous review of the intact CD. “Would that I could hacksaw the eardrums out of my head, along with the parts of my brain that retain recent memory.” The review got worse from there.

The Brighton Amateur Jazz Percussion Orchestra released “Hooked on Prog” last year, and quickly scuttled performances scheduled to support the album after reviewers thrashed it universally and mercilessly. The collection of songs covered artists like Utopia, ELP, Marillion and King Crimson using only percussive instruments such as timpani, marimba and hand bells.

Orchestra leader Jeremy Grasston said he is considering having the group learn the microwaved version of the CD and tour in support of it.

“The orchestra is up to recreating the album live,” said Grasston, “but then we have to figure out how to microwave a few thousand copies for sale.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Alexa’s New “Snarky Mode” Rolls Out Today, Here’s How To Enable It

Alexa’s New “Snarky Mode” Rolls Out Today, Here’s How To Enable It

SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants,

Hospitala launches convenience store outpatient centers

Hospitala launches convenience store outpatient centers

In a partnership with Circle K, Jug & Loaf, Exxon, Love’s, Burger King, Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr., Hospitala is opening

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top