WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Message from parallel universe: “Stop sending socks”

MULTIVERSE LOCAL 434S – A transmission from an alternate reality heretofore unknown to science implored our current civilization to curtail the transportation of socks into its realm.

“We recognize the necessity to launder all of your vestments, including socks,” said the message in terse and surprisingly fluid English. “But will you please find a way to clean them without, as you say, ‘beaming’ them to us. It seems to be a design flaw in either your washers or dryers.”

Harmonic Convergence consultant and part-time pizza delivery specialist Mike Norcut received the message through the fillings in his teeth, at the house near Sedona, Arizona where his temporal body resides.

“They’ve got the ability to contact and visit us, but they’ve been real busy lately,” said Norcut. “They really want us to work on the sock thing, though.”

UPDATE: A recent finding might provide answers as to where some of the socks end up.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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