WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Memory loss linked to something

RALEIGH-DALTON – A study published in a prominent magazine made a conclusive link between memory loss and something that starts with “m”, or rhymes with a recent movie, possibly both.

The culprit may be diet-related, or lurking in your office as you read this. Several morning news programs probably discussed the findings in detail, but reports are incomplete as of press time.

A steady decrease in capacity for forming new memories, or recalling old ones, was the likely finding in the study. It was conducted by a leading expert in the field of memory at an accredited university on the eastern seaboard, some place with a port, but not on the ocean.

Further information will hopefully be published soon on Wikipedia, in a form that can be easily searched in general terms.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Constellation names updated to reflect modern tastes, sponsors

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The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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