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SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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McCain vows to capture Obama if elected

Republican strategists are all like, "If it works, it works."

CLEVELAND – Republican presidential candidate John McCain, senator from Arizona, promised today to hunt down “terrorist pal” Barack Hussein Obama and bring him to justice if elected.

“My friends, he’s got known associations with William Ayers, an avowed terrorist, who almost brought down the Pentagon and the Capitol, and while we’re at it we’ll track him down,” said McCain to a cheering crowd of several hundred newly deputized marshals. “If you make me president, my friends, I’ll go get him!”

McCain was referring to Ayers’ activity with the Weather Underground, which targeted government buildings with bombings in 1969 and the early 1970’s. One such attack caused a water leak in the Pentagon, halting aerial bombings in Vietnam for several days. At press time, McCain staffers would not name what charges Obama might face if captured. Several staffers were reportedly preparing résumés in anticipation of the manhunt.

Obama has consistently repudiated Ayers’ actions as reprehensible, but as William C. Ibershof, the lead federal prosecutor of the Weather Underground case noted, “I am … outraged … Barack Obama is … linked to William Ayers’s terrorist activities…”

“Although Obama was eight years old at the time of these attacks, my friends, we just cannot be sure he was not complicit somehow. He must answer, my friends, for his activities while serving on the board of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge, the founder of which had ties to political figures who had arms dealings with Iran. My friends.”

McCain plans to divert troops from Afghanistan to the hills of northern Illinois, Hawaii and several locations across the U.S. where Obama has been spotted. Pictured above, Obama (left) narrowly escapes capture by General David Petraeus and Republican Senator Chuck Hagel in Baghdad. Rumors and speculation abound that Obama has plans to take over the White House in a coup d’etat as early as January 2009.

“This group hasn’t attacked in almost 40 years, my friends, and even if we can never prove Obama was a member or in any way an ideological supporter,” said McCain, “we do not want the smoking gun to be in the form of a two-pound bomb going off in an unoccupied building after ample warning has been given to evacuate the premises.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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