WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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Breaking News:
  • New bill would require president to find country on map before invading
  • New “Salty Sugar Fat” hits the sweet spot of snacking
  • Redesigned $5 bill features authentication key
  • This Day in History: Pony Express “when it absolutely, positively has to be there in about a fortnight”
  • When my friend becomes Evil Ruler of the Galaxy, I’m in charge of transportation
  • Budget Ninja makes mythical warrior capabilities affordable
  • Speed Checkers saves valuable leisure time
  • Part-time zombie not invited to apocalypse
  • Study finds guy in gorilla suit admitted pretty much anywhere
  • Oil spill cleaned up with gigantic doily
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NEWS TICKER
  • Album of the Day – The Beatles, “Flubber Soul”
  • New “Salty Sugar Fat” hits the sweet spot of snacking
  • Obscure politicians across nation preparing for possible VP nod
  • Earth to occupants: I’ll be fine. You, not so much
  • Redesigned $5 bill features authentication key
  • Amazing New Technology Generates Electrical Power From Cynicism
  • Car Just Going To Smell Like That Now
  • Last place team in league of 4 makes playoffs
  • Kenickie Fried Chicken chain sued out of existence
  • Blue tooth installed
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The Post News Times is the greater metro area’s premiere reporting authority on ersatz, superfluous and/or sardonic news. Our copy desk features a weaponized thesaurus.

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