WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Mars Rover electrocuted digging into power main

This was the last image the Phoenix lander sent back.

MARS – The Phoenix Mars Lander was zapped today when it dug without authorization on the planet’s surface and struck a high voltage power line. Power was out for a large part of the day.

NASA scientists declined comment, stating only through a spokesperson that they “did not know there would be underground utilities” there.

The Phoenix probe is on a three-month mission to analyze Martian soil, but apparently had not pulled the appropriate permits from local authorities.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

New bin Laden mix tape inexplicably omits Sugarhill Gang

New bin Laden mix tape inexplicably omits Sugarhill Gang

LANGLEY, VA – A new, as yet unauthenticated mix tape from Osama bin Laden purports to be a definitive collection

Toilet lid up-down dispute resolved

Toilet lid up-down dispute resolved

JOHNSTOWN – A local family has reached a resolution in a conflict over whether the toilet seat should be left

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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