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Man believes Rapture is coming, keeps his 401k

NARTHEX, TN – Earl Coler believes that the world will end soon, and that he and fellow believers will be swept up into heaven while heathens left behind will face judgment. He’s hanging on to his retirement plan, though.

“Yeah, I don’t see a point in just giving it all up, even though I can’t take it with me when the end times come,” said Coler, a 58-year old employee of the county’s water department.

“It may come tomorrow and we’ll all be drawn up to the glory… the saved ones, I mean. But what if it’s not for ten years? I’d be stuck in a lurch then.”

Co-worker Ellen McClugh suggested that Coler bequeath his worldly investments to the unsaved masses still around when the apocalypse comes. “We’d all be believers if that happens, so we’ll need your money to start proselytizing. ‘Cause otherwise the evil banks will get all your money and it’s the ol’ stamp on the forehead for us.”

Coler reports that he has considered McClugh’s advice, and ruled in favor of an add-on to his patio when he retires in a few years.

“I’m a true believer, but you can’t be too careful.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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