WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Maker of Silent Dog Bell investigated for fraud

YORKSHIRE – The manufacturer of a pet item sold as “Silent Dog Bell” is under investigation for possible fraudulent advertising.

“It’s silent, alright, because it doesn’t make any sound,” said case worker Stu Drummond. “It seems to be just a regular hand bell with the clapper taken out.”

Cozenine Products, which sells the Silent Dog Bell, calls it a novelty toy and says there is no misrepresentation.

“We say it right there on the package, ‘silent’, and that’s what it is,” said company defense attorney Bill Therm. “Cozenine makes no claim that the product attracts or repels dogs. This is a frivolous suit.”

Drummond disagrees. “They do call it a bell, though, which has some specific mechanical and possibly legal requirements,” he said. “If you’re going to sell something as a bell, it had right well better ring.”

Cozenine has settled out of court in the past for other allegedly fraudulent products such as the Snipe Hunting Rattle, the Egg Peeler and Sasquatch Repellent Spray.

“The Sasquatch repellent works as far as we know. Do you see any Sasquatches around here?” said Therm.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Wrong name dropped at party

Wrong name dropped at party

MIDTOWN – Although he was unaware of it at the time, Rick from Sales picked the absolute worst name to

Dishes must soak, contend nation’s husbands

Dishes must soak, contend nation’s husbands

OLIVE PALMS – Those dishes have lots of dried up grime and should soak for a while, according to an

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top