WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

London Transport launches first open-top airliner tour

LONDON – Tourists now have a whole new way to go sightseeing over one of the world’s most famous skylines. London Transport has just expanded service to include passenger jet service in open-top double decker airliners.

The transport authority, known across the globe for its Underground rail network, iconic red double-decker buses and the national rail service, wanted to offer visitors to London a unique experience.

“There were naysayers all along who told us that putting passengers up top was insane,” said transport manager Reginald Smith. “Long as you keep the jet below a few thousand feet and not too fast, everyone has a great time.”

Smith addressed concerns that some passengers might fall off of the jet, an AEC Regent LX fitted with railings all around the top. “You’ve got the same protections in place as the buses, right? People don’t go falling off of those every day.”

Community groups have voiced concerns about the potential noise of jet engines circling the city at low altitudes.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Microsoft to open source Blue Screen of Death

Microsoft to open source Blue Screen of Death

REDMOND, WA – The error screen familiar to millions of Windows users will soon have the combined development of developers around

Every customer in local store a secret shopper

Every customer in local store a secret shopper

RICHMOND, VA – Each of the seven customers currently browsing at the Grab ‘N’ Spend grocery store on North Cary

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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