WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Laxative energy drink wreaks havoc at festival

BOUSE, AZ – Concertgoers at the 2017 Coacharoo Music Festival got a nasty surprise when a mistaken shipment of Red Bull Milk of Magnesia ended up at concession stands.

The carbonated beverage, laced with stimulants and laxatives, is not an official Red Bull product and was pulled as soon as the error was brought to the attention of festival organizers. That was too late for the several thousand festival attendees who had chugged cans of it down, then beseiged the suddenly too-few porta potties.

“It was an incontinent mob,” said witness Ruby McTierney. “The portable toilets were completely devastated, and the throngs of people who couldn’t get to them started a wave of filth that radiated outward.”

Hazmat teams rushed to the area and cleaned up the premises along with about 3,000 soiled festival guests. A concessions supplier called LulzBev was identified as the source of the drinks, and removed from all public events that they serviced. The remaining cans were confiscated and taken to an unnamed overstock retailer for further study.

Representatives at Red Bull were prompt to announce that they were in no way associated with the counterfeit drinks, but a few consumers asked if Milk of Magnesia might be a real brand in the future.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Mystery Machine recalled; wrong kind of caper
BREAKINGNEWS

Mystery Machine recalled; wrong kind of caper

ROCKY POINT BEACH – The crime-solving band of teens known collectively as “Mystery, Inc.” has withdrawn from the scene of

Transformers prequel in development
ENTERTAINMENT

Transformers prequel in development

OPTIMUS WOODS – Producers unaffiliated with DreamWorks have begun development on a prequel to the 2007 live-action movie, “Transformers”, titled

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top