WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Last place team in league of 4 makes playoffs

TANNER, CA – Despite a season of zero wins and mostly shutouts, Tanner Little League team Doug’s Team has made the playoffs.

“The guys are really excited, and I didn’t want to tell them how brackets work,” said team manager and coach Doug Fowler. “We were going to be in the tournament no matter what.”

The team was hastily assembled to accommodate an influx of players, and has yet to choose a formal name. Teammates have suggested that they come up with some ideas in case they win the championship.

Fowler nodded his head slowly. “First things first, fellas.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Dogs poop. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Dogs poop. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

CROSSVILLE, TN – Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry this happened. We always assumed that you would figure out facts

Earthworms up all night from coffee in compost

Earthworms up all night from coffee in compost

ANNELIDOPOLIS – A community of worms has been in a constant state of sleeplessness since nearby residents began adding coffee

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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