WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Lanes To Be Closed On Interstate Just Because

Several drivers have changed their residence so they can vote from where they are stuck in traffic.

STALLVILLE – Thousands of commuters on their way home today encountered three of five lanes on the cross-town connector blocked off to traffic on both sides of the freeway, apparently for no reason whatsoever. Cars and trucks backed up for miles in each direction, and motorists complained to every available outlet such as social media and call-in radio shows.

“It’s true, there is no active construction or repair ongoing at this time,” said DOT foreman Denny Shugard while on a break. “We just like to get drivers in the habit of merging and being stopped for extended periods of time. That way, when we do get started on something, it’s not a surprise.”

City Council voted to officially change the name of Chastain Drive to Road Closed in order to avoid confusion after this sign had been up for three years.

Several projects are planned for that stretch of road, as soon as some other projects on major thoroughfares are complete in the next 5 to 12 years.

In the meantime, road crews are getting practice around town by closing lanes on other highways and surface roads in random locations.

“It keeps the workers sharp, because they get quicker at shutting down the lanes, placing the cones, and leaving them there indefinitely,” said Shugard. “Sometimes they’ll dig up a little asphalt or put a metal plate down to make it look like something’s happening, because people get real upset when they have to wait 20 minutes to get through a big intersection. We want them to feel like they’re getting something for their tax dollars.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Third-person shooter game thoroughly confusing

Third-person shooter game thoroughly confusing

Video Game Review by Tyler Janky “Rigor Mysterious” from Depravitronic is a familiar enough gaming environment – you shoot your

Study shows major catastrophe could cause catastrophic damage

Study shows major catastrophe could cause catastrophic damage

LEVELTOWN – Scientists warn that a disaster of some kind, if large enough, could wreak mass havoc across the nation

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top