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Jellyfish-based contact lens recalled

SANTA CLARITA – The maker of a jellyfish-based contact lens is recalling all of its products in the wake of revelations that the biological material in the lenses is causing irritation in users.

The little-known Medusozoa Opticans, or Lens Jellyfish, was the basis for innovative contacts from Cnidareye, a company now reeling from accusations of gross negligence, fraud and general incompetence.

“The lenses were expensive, not that reliable in terms of clarity or focus, and caused intense stinging sensations immediately upon use,” said district attorney Vince Gaber. “How they ever got contact lenses made out of jellyfish to market I will never understand.”

If you have purchased or used contacts from Cnidareye, Gaber advises that you see an eye doctor immediately to avoid permanent loss of vision. He is initiating a class action lawsuit for the affected.

“Do not put jellyfish in your eyes,” said Gaber. “I can’t believe I had to say that sentence out loud.”

Executives and research personnel at Cnidareye’s parent company DebiliTech are being investigated for possible negligence involving other products using wasps and komodo dragon saliva.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

TV shows all about mitosis anymore, claims amoeba grandmother

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KIDPOOL – A concerned single-celled eukaryote has launched a campaign to lessen the amount of asexual reproduction in television programs

More setbacks in testing and production of lead shower curtain

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The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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