MOS EISLEY – In a startling turn of events across space and time, crime boss Jabba the Hutt has captured U.S. President Abraham Lincoln.
Details are murky due to the mind-bending complications of time dilation and distortion required to make the apprehension possible, but sources say Jabba might have put out a sizable bounty on the legendary leader who helped to preserve the Union through the U.S. Civil War.
“Jabba saw a penny at one of his parties, and he pointed at it mumbling something,” said Max Rebo, a lounge performer employed by the Hutt, whose legal name is Jabba Desilijic Tiure.
“Nobody ever really knows what that cat is talking about, so they just nod a lot and try to do what they think he means,” said Rebo. “All the bounty hunters at the party took it to mean ‘Bring me this Lincoln dude’, but he could have been saying anything. Like ‘Hey, I dropped that, could you get it for me,’ but who wants to get it wrong and get fed to the Rancor?”
One particularly gifted bounty hunter, who has chosen to remain anonymous, succeeded in navigating the substrate of time-space to infiltrate our galaxy and abduct Lincoln, imprisoning him in carbonite and transporting him to another galaxy far away. It is not known what state Lincoln was in at the time of his capture, as he was involved in an active shooter situation in a theater at the time.