WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Howurlitzer resolves bar conflicts

LEETSDALE, WY – A hybrid music player / artillery device has found a home at Brice’s Saloon, where patrons can choose from a huge library of hit songs and if necessary launch ordnance in response to hostile attacks.

The Howurlitzer combines the short barrelled artillery of the Howitzer with the automated music player Wurlitzer into a single bar appliance that can play favorite tunes from any decade and launch projectiles over relatively high trajectories.

Philo Medlin, a bouncer at Brice’s, says that the Howurlitzer has not yet come to full use. “Most fights here get settled with a few punches, maybe a little stabbing or light arms fire. Plus, it’s mostly top 40 music on there, and nobody at this place is gonna pay a $5 minimum to hear Coldplay or launch a low-velocity shell.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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