WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

HOW TO: Render a 1970 VW bus engine useless

You will also become adept at roll-starting and push-steering.

[Part 1 in a series of about 38 ways to deprive yourself of transportation]

Step 1: Scan some books on how timing works. Ignore most of it, but zero in on a section that mentions how some sage mechanics can do it “by feel”.

Step 2: Forget any admonitions you may have encountered. These will not propel you towards your goal.

Step 3: Adjust the timing wheel by hand. Timing lights are for nerds. Listen carefully as if you have a sixth sense with these things.

Your engine will not be remotely this clean. No matter, all you need is the timing belt adjustment.

Step 4: Clean up (optional).

Step 5: Get in the bus and drive it at least 30 miles laden with all your music equipment (assuming you have a gig and that you are a musician).

Step 6: Step 5 was a trick entry, because at mile 22 on a steep climb the engine will make its last pathetic gasp.

Step 7: Have your drummer, who was following you in his 1980 Corolla, drive you to the next town and call a tow truck.

Step 8: Remember that you are a musician. You cannot afford a tow truck. Or repairs.

Step 9: Leave the bus, take the equipment and any contraband you may have lying about the vehicle.

Step 10: Ask around at the gig if anybody’s got a AAA card.

Only steps 1 through 5 are really necessary to destroy the engine. True, there are other ways, but this one is road tested.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Latin placeholder text in post on language: ironic or dumb?
OPINION

Latin placeholder text in post on language: ironic or dumb?

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vestibulum vulputate quis justo eget ultricies. Sed finibus laoreet ultrices. In id

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top