WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Honk if you’re spawning

TROUT CITY, MO – This post brought to you by The Swinging Creek Breeders, who want to remind their aquatic brothers and sisters that life is is but a stream. To promote their libertine brand of propagation, they have introduced a “Honk if You’re Spawning” window decal.

The Post News Times accepts no responsibility for the content of paid promotional messages, and to be honest we don’t know why a fish organization would advertise to a primarily human audience. In any case, their check cleared. Payment was made through an intermediary, and our legal counsel doubts that any of this will ever get back to them.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Automated delivery bots still learning how to mangle packages

Automated delivery bots still learning how to mangle packages

FRANKLIN, DE – Delivery services such as FedEx and UPS still rely on human employees to get packages where they’re

Spoonful of sugar ineffective against medicine ball

Spoonful of sugar ineffective against medicine ball

POPPINS, MD – This is a breaking story, pending further details on an injured weightlifter who reportedly wanted to add

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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