WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Homeschooled teenage boy caught with stack of evolution magazines

HOVINDA – A mother caught her 15-year-old boy Tuesday with dozens of publications that describe in explicit detail the theoretical framework of evolution.

The unnamed boy had been hiding the books and magazines under his bed, intermingling them with sports magazines.

The mother, who asked not to be identified, expressed shock and disappointment at her discovery. “I’m his teacher. I should have seen this coming,” she said. “At the dinner table, he started using roundabout terms that caught my attention. How could I let this happen?”

“He asked me one night if traits inherited by successive generations could make offspring better suited to their environment, and therefore more likely to survive and reproduce. I’m ashamed and disgusted.”

The boy is grounded for a month, but in the context of his home schooling the specifics are not yet clear. The family is planning a trip this summer to the Grand Canyon to brush up on the antediluvian period.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Companies Scrambling To Get In On Data Breach

Companies Scrambling To Get In On Data Breach

LANSING, MI – Corporate leaders around the country are falling over themselves to take part in the latest massive breach

Mugshot attire procured

Mugshot attire procured

MIRANDA – Forward-looking grey market merchant and sometime defendant Reed Sidavis has chosen a full ensemble for his imminent arrest

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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