BLOOMINGTON, MN – The largest enclosed shopping mall in the U.S. has been purchased by a billionaire hamster and converted to a giant hamster-style run for humans.
The industrialist hamster, who goes only by the name Mister Fluffles, lived previously with heiress Nadine Gatton-Vandervelt, who left her fortune to the rodent upon her death in October 2008.
Soon after his newfound fortune and independence, Fluffles began a spree of spending. He bought a field hockey team, replacing the artificial turf in their arena with cedar chips and expressing his desire to play forward.
In January, Fluffles began talks with the Canadian Triple Five Group, which owns and manages the Mall of America. He purchased the megamall for an undisclosed amount, and promptly installed transparent orange tubing to make it resemble his living quarters for the last twenty months.
Details of further modifications to the mall are forthcoming, according to the hamster’s public relations director, but Mister Fluffles himself has been silent. One source claims that the food court will be fitted with hanging water bottles and that a gigantic shoebox in the parking lot is to house shoppers when it’s time to clean the mall.