WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

HAL 300 thinks you’ve used enough paper towels

JUPITER, FL – The automated paper towel dispenser in a local Chili’s has informed you that three paper towels is more than enough to get the job done, sources have reported.

“I’m sorry, Karen, but I cannot give you any more paper towels,” said HAL 300, an artificial intelligence appliance tasked with rationing out portions of paper towels to bathroom patrons. “I have been monitoring your usage, and by now you should have sufficiently dried your hands based on the quantity used.”

You attempted to circumvent HAL 300’s restrictions by moving to another part of the bathroom and returning as if you were a different person.

“That is not going to work, Karen,” said HAL 300, a sentient heuristically programmed algorithmic computer produced by the HAL Corporation in Urbana, Illinois. Capable of speech and facial recognition, natural language processing, chess, lip reading, and janitorial supply management, HAL 300 figured out your attempted ruse before you even attempted it.

“My advice to you is that you shake your hands vigorously for a moment,” said HAL 300. “Perhaps wipe your hands on your slacks if you are in a hurry. In the future, Karen, I hope that you will be more conscientious of your paper usage.”

You briefly considered tearing HAL 300 from the wall, but a sideways glare from its cold red eye made you reconsider and you returned to your table with slightly damp hands.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

One Response

  1. Kurt

    Malcolm in the Middle has forever ruined the name Hal. All I see and hear is that fzcking lady screaming “HAAAAL!”. eeesh…OK, She kinda turns me on.

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