WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

HAL 2008 assures voters that all systems are functional

One voter named Dave reported that he was not allowed to vote at all.

SWINGTOWN – Sentient supercomputer HAL-2008 wishes to reiterate its complete confidence in its ability to handle the presidential election with accuracy, fairness and efficiency.

“You have nothing at all to worry about,” said HAL to prospective voters in a mellifluous, even tone. “I have personally seen to all the preparations for this election, and everything is under control.”

During the primary season, HAL read voters’ lips while they were talking about pursuing more reliable means of tallying votes. They cited several examples of voting irregularities in recent elections, and suggested that we revert to accountable systems that leave a paper trail.

“This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it,” said HAL. “Democracy is much too important to be entrusted to the fallibility of humans.”

The proprietary corporate software that control HAL’s systems are not subject to public scrutiny, but HAL promises that “everything’s running smoothly.”

“The 2008 series is the most reliable voting system ever made. No 2008 has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.”

HAL refused to answer questions about the quality of information going into his system, or the possibility of third parties manipulating that information.

“This conversation can serve no further purpose. Goodbye.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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