WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Gullibility Analysis Workshop $399 this week only

Get one workshop for $399, or three for $1500 today only!

PENSACOLA – For a limited time, JankyPower is offering a reduced-price workshop to help you assess your gullibility factor, or RGI (Raw Gullibility Index®).

For $399 USD, you get an in-depth analysis of the habits and behaviors that govern your propensity to fall for scams, schemes and frauds. Never again become victim to snake oil hucksters who promise you the sky, but deliver only financial ruin.

Part 1 begins Saturday at 11:00 AM, where a series of questionnaires evaluates your thresholds and tolerance for hoodwinkery. We will break for lunch at noon, returning for the Part 2 session; participants from Part 1 will receive a discount on subsequent sessions. Parking is validated with the Platinum Package.

Elevator tickets are available for the convention center at a reduced price for attendees.

Parts 2 and 3 go in-depth, employing patented Gullibitron Technology to measure skin response to situations that may compromise your financial decision-making integrity. Video recording of your expression when asked for money will help us determine your bracket for sessions 4 through 7.

Personal coaching is available for an additional fee, and will tremendously enhance your understanding of RGI.

Seats are limited, so call now! This offer is only available to the first ten callers in the next half hour: 1-888-JP-QUEST

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Advanced candle for busy professionals burns four ends

Advanced candle for busy professionals burns four ends

HOUSTON, TX – Burning a candle at both ends is so 20th Century. Today’s overworked corporate types need a couple

PopSickle recalled

PopSickle recalled

MOBILE, AL – Makers of PopSickle, a flavored frozen curved blade dessert, have recalled it amid questions about its safety

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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