WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Groundhog sees shadow in July, uncertain of next steps

WAUNAKEE – The world-famous weather forecasting groundhog Waunakee Woodrow ran into some confusion today upon seeing his shadow.

Through a spokesperson, Woodrow issued a statement expressing doubt over his course of action.

“Clearly, it is no longer winter, and I cannot in good conscience predict that some inclement weather is pending,” said Woodrow. “The ground rules are somewhat murky on this subject.”

After some consultation with the city council, Woodrow elected to withdraw to his burrow and deliberate his findings for the remainder of the week.

“We’ll have something for you by Monday,” promised Woodrow.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Mother-in-law doesn’t understand why you don’t buy generic

Mother-in-law doesn’t understand why you don’t buy generic

HENNEPEC – What with the rising cost of everything, your mother-in-law just doesn’t see why you would buy anything name

Mugshot attire procured

Mugshot attire procured

MIRANDA – Forward-looking grey market merchant and sometime defendant Reed Sidavis has chosen a full ensemble for his imminent arrest

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top