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Grocery enforces zero tolerance policy in express lane

Asked if she could read the sign saying "10 items or less", one customer replied "10 items or fewer."

AUSTERIA – A major discount grocery chain has implemented a zero-tolerance policy in its express lanes, according to a company spokesperson.

“If you get in the express lane with more than ten items, you can expect some enhanced punitive actions, and quickly,” said Buzz Murtock, director of Customer Experience Enforcement for JankyFood International.

“Decent, rule-abiding customers have endured this without recourse for decades. We’re just giving them what they want and deserve.”

Violators are restrained for their safety and held in a temporary “comfort space” while awaiting further reprimand from the on-duty manager.

Murtock refused to answer questions on the constitutional legality of express lane detainments. “We’ll let the free market work that out.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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