WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Grocery enforces zero tolerance policy in express lane

Asked if she could read the sign saying "10 items or less", one customer replied "10 items or fewer."

AUSTERIA – A major discount grocery chain has implemented a zero-tolerance policy in its express lanes, according to a company spokesperson.

“If you get in the express lane with more than ten items, you can expect some enhanced punitive actions, and quickly,” said Buzz Murtock, director of Customer Experience Enforcement for JankyFood International.

“Decent, rule-abiding customers have endured this without recourse for decades. We’re just giving them what they want and deserve.”

Violators are restrained for their safety and held in a temporary “comfort space” while awaiting further reprimand from the on-duty manager.

Murtock refused to answer questions on the constitutional legality of express lane detainments. “We’ll let the free market work that out.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Heroic driver enforces speed limit for everyone

Heroic driver enforces speed limit for everyone

ROCHESTER, NY – A self-appointed guardian of local traffic laws has upheld the compulsory speed limit for all motorists, at

Online argument resolved with facts

Online argument resolved with facts

HUDSON, MO – A dispute came to a workable resolution Monday, when the two parties utilized facts available online and

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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