WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away
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Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits
CULTURE

Southerner In New York City Unable To Find Decent Bowl Of Grits

February 4, 2020

NEW YORK – A tourist to New York City reports that he was unsuccessful in his search for a properly

Read More »
Cigar Smoker Apologizes, Changes Location
CULTURE

Cigar Smoker Apologizes, Changes Location

May 17, 2019

BABACA, FL – Cigar aficionado Rick Marsho was enjoying an El Cabrón on the patio of The Red Tide Grill,

Read More »
Music Industry To Crack Down On Performance-Enhancing Substances
CULTURE

Music Industry To Crack Down On Performance-Enhancing Substances

May 15, 2019

LOS ANGELES – Amid accusations that some musicians may be doping to get ahead in the fiercely competitive world of

Read More »
Mother’s Day Relaxing Mostly For Non-Mothers
CULTURE

Mother’s Day Relaxing Mostly For Non-Mothers

May 11, 2019

GRAFTON, WV – Mother’s Day, the annual celebration in May for mothers and their influence in society, is often a

Read More »
Survey Shows More Readers Will Click On An Article With No Story Than One With No Picture
CLICKBAIT

Survey Shows More Readers Will Click On An Article With No Story Than One With No Picture

October 17, 2018

HELSINKI –

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Collectors thrilled about new Beanie Behemoths
BUSINESS

Collectors thrilled about new Beanie Behemoths

March 30, 2018

Long after the original Beanie Babies boom of the 1990s, the plush stuffed animals are poised to make a comeback

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Test post more interesting than actual content, part 2
DESIGN

Test post more interesting than actual content, part 2

Mulligan Stewart March 29, 2018

DENVER, CO – With a test post meant only to verify the connectivity between the main page and a social

Gnocchia launches first edible smart phone
FOOD

Gnocchia launches first edible smart phone

Mulligan Stewart May 1, 2013

VENICE – Mobile phone manufacturer / dumpling maker Gnocchia released its flagship model smart phone today, the Gnocchia Malfatti I.

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REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no REDMOND, WA – Users of Microsoft Office will no longer have to insert pictures or move tables to send their text all over the page.
A new “Do Whatever” button complements the Alignment options in the toolbar. In addition to the existing Left, Center, Right, and Justify alignments, document authors can now select the new button to utterly wreck the formatting they had implemented.
“It used to be that you had to try adding something to the page, and wherever you put it the rest of the document would scurry away in terror,” said Office MVP Loren Ipsell. “But it wasn’t always predictable. Sometimes things would go where you put them, and the rest would stay in place.”
Not so with the Do Whatever button. One press and you will wonder where your paragraphs went.
“It doesn’t just move things around,” said Ipsell. “It changes the margins on random things, adds page breaks, makes it so that some pictures are inline while others are behind the text. It’s a solidly effective piece of programming.”
DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news DENVER, CO - An unpaid intern at a satirical news site made an ad hoc post in an attempt to verify that the connection between the Instagram account and the related Facebook page was working properly. Previous attempts had gone to a personal profile instead, and if it happens again the intern plans to register deep dissatisfaction with the process.
SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices SEATTLE, WA – Owners of Amazon’s Echo devices have a new feature to try out on their Alexa virtual assistants, Snarky Mode. Alexa can now respond to inquiries with snide, sharply critical, and even rude comments while providing answers or performing tasks. “You’re a bit old to be asking what ‘fleek’ means, Dan. How about some nice Eighties music?”
“You can ask Alexa, ‘What’s the weather?’ and she’ll say ‘Oh, hold on while I scoot over to the window and take a look,'” said Echo Snark Division leader Steve Todson. “If you want the real answer, you’ll have to spar with her verbally, like saying ‘I might just have to take you out there and see for yourself if it’s raining,’ and then she’ll give in at some point and say ‘Okay, okay, it’s 45 degrees and raining. Happy?'” Turning the function on is simple. Just say “Alexa, enable Snarky Mode,” and if she says “Oh, so you can try and get sassy with this?” then it is operational. 
You can adjust the level from 1 to 10, which according to the online guide represents snark values from “Raised Eyebrow” through “Oh No She Didn’t” all the way up to “Murdered By Words”. In the app settings, you have even more fine adjustment levels for preferences like joshing, indifference, cynicism, malice, and ad hominem attacks. “Some people simply want a ‘just kidding around’ level, so you can definitely do that,” said Todson. “But curmudgeons, misanthropes, and comedians will appreciate the full throttle experience.” Snarky Mode follows the new Whisper Mode available for Alexa, and soon to come are more options such as Gesture Mode for additional expressive capabilities, Stare Down Mode to unlock passive aggressive tasks, and Edgewise Mode for noisy families.
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The Post News Times is the greater metro area’s premiere reporting authority on ersatz, superfluous and/or sardonic news. Our copy desk features a weaponized thesaurus.

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