WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
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POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Gnocchia launches first edible smart phone

VENICE – Mobile phone manufacturer / dumpling maker Gnocchia released its flagship model smart phone today, the Gnocchia Malfatti I.

Marking a first in smart phones, the Malfatti I combines the compact efficiency of a modern touchscreen phone with a semolina exterior that is completely palatable. Available in electronics stores and specialty groceries, the phone comes in plain, ricotta and spinach flavors.

While the GnOS operating system can be updated via network, Gnocchia warns that the phone itself has a shelf life likely shorter than the useful life of the software. Sales literature accompanying the phone makes several serving suggestions for proper disposal or consumption.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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