MELBOURNE, MN – While scientific study is still ongoing over the issue of whether or not Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitivity (NCGS) exists, researchers have definitively diagnosed a new, related disorder: Gluten Sensitivity Utterance Apoplexy (GSUA).
“It’s a fit of rage triggered by the mere mention of gluten sensitivity, intolerance, or other avoidance,” said lead researcher Jared Lachnan. “Suppose you’re at a restaurant, and one guest at your table inquires about the gluten content of a menu item. Another guest flies off the handle, frothing at the mouth and yelling in fits of rebuttal like ‘gluten intolerance doesn’t exist’ and so forth. That second person may be suffering from Gluten Sensitivity Utterance Apoplexy.”
“There’s a lot of back-and-forth out there about gluten itself and who might be sensitive to it for various reasons,” said Lachnan. “The bread we have today is made from wheat far different from what it was a century ago, so who knows? We have much to learn still, and we don’t have a final answer on that yet. We do, however, have a great many unbalanced individuals out there shouting at others and commenting relentlessly.”
The syndrome is relatively new to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder, so diagnosis and treatment options are still in development. Symptoms include incessant citation of articles and studies, histrionic skepticism, ridicule of supposed gluten intolerant people and contemptuous consumption of bread.
Curiously, there are detractors who claim that GSUA itself is an imagined disorder.
“Imagine a disease that sends you around the bend when someone suggests that they’ve got a potential medical issue, then that person in turn is ridiculed for having a made-up malady.”