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Found peanut begins infernal voyage

CLEMENTOWN, JUST NOW – A youngster who encountered and ate a stray peanut on his way home got more than he bargained for… a journey through the afterlife and the underworld.

10-year-old Timmy LeGume spotted the peanut during his daily commute from Clementown Elementary. Accounts differ over when he actually found the nut, but according to family members he definitely cracked it open and ate it last evening.

“It was rotten, but I just couldn’t stop myself,” said LeGume, who then suffered an acute stomach ache.

“We called the doctor right away,” said Timmy’s mother, Shelly Cashieux. “I got the voicemail, so we called 911 and they said give him some Tum’s or something.”

Ms. Cashieux ignored the operator’s advice and took Timmy directly to the Emergency Room. After some heated discussion, the attending physician agreed to give Timmy some penicillin. That did not work, and in fact caused a severe allergic reaction prompting open-stomach surgery.

Little Timmy fared no better in the operation, and lost vital signs. According to his medical records, he was clinically dead for only seven minutes. Timmy, however, recounts an altogether different experience.

“I saw a bright light, you know, all that stuff,” said LeGume. “Got to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter said, ‘Son, we’re all full up. Sorry.’ So I took an escalator to the basement, if you know what I mean.”

“I get to the hockey stick place, and they tell me I don’t meet their current requirements. I tell them, dude, I’m only ten, but they’re all like, ‘Hey, we don’t make the rules, write your congressional representative,’ whatever.”

LeGume reportedly woke up with no ill effects from the evening’s events, as if it had never happened. Asked if he would ever eat a peanut off the ground again, he smiled and asked, “Where’d you find it?”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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