WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Flyover country missed

32,000 FT. OVER ASH VALLEY, KS – Passengers on Southwest flight 2672 went about their business aboard the plane, unaware of the vast, sprawling expanses of farmland lurking just beneath the cloud cover beneath them.

“There’s an endless sea of monotonous agricultural patchwork as far as the eye can see, and they’re missing it,” said Ian Jetmore, a business traveler who recently took an unspecified anti-anxiety medication. “We’re traversing the breadbasket of this nation, and the significance of it is going completely unnoticed.”

This flight was not equipped with WiFi or seat-back screens that sometimes provide onboard flight tracking, so none in the passenger area could be certain of their exact location above the predominantly rural region. Jetmore attempted to garner concern from his fellow passengers, but was speaking far too quietly to be understood.

Flight attendant Kris Nichols listened intently to Jetmore’s overture, and responded with a smile and a package of pretzels. The flight later landed without incident.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Satellite launch delayed by gravity

Satellite launch delayed by gravity

FT MYERS, FL – SpaceCorp suffered a major setback when their Kiwi Grand rocket failed to clear the launch pad,

1987: Anti-drug PSA makes Generation X hungry

1987: Anti-drug PSA makes Generation X hungry

DOWNEY, NY – A public service announcement intended to discourage the use of drugs instead gave a generation of television

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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