WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Flying dream delayed

REMINGTON – A man in deep sleep who had plans to fly in his dreams was grounded this evening due to some inexplicable nonsense.

“I was scheduled to fly,” said Mitch Roberts, who was eagerly anticipating the experience of flying weightless while unconscious. “But this committee of goats voted on something that prevented me from taking off. It wasn’t directly related to me, but at the same time it was, you know?”

The goats were then no longer goats but Roberts’ third grade class, who were in Sydney, Australia at the Kentucky Derby.

“I know the Kentucky Derby is not in Australia, but it was at my house at the same time. Point being, it was a weird thing and I ended up not flying like I’d hoped.”

Roberts hopes to attempt flying again soon in his dreams, but has reservations about the reliability of that mode of travel.

“Last thing I want is to have a layover in Narnia or something. Or they lose my luggage and it’s no longer luggage but a crocodile.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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