WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Fake news story wins Pulitzer Prize

NEW YORK, NY – The Pulitzer Prize Committee at Columbia University has awarded the Pulitzer Prize to a fake news story for the very first time.’s ersatz investigative journalism piece won for the compelling story of drug cartels moving their operations over to more lucrative printer ink.

“The bogus article and accompanying fabricated photojournalism was hard-hitting, insightful, engaging, and totally worth a slight pause while scrolling through social media,” said Pulitzer Committee Chair Walter Dimsdale. “It made us think a moment before moving on to the next thing.”

The Printer Ink Cartel piece also holds the honor of being the first-ever unanimous decision by all judges on the panel.

“It was that good,” said Dimsdale. “We look forward to many more years of spurious dispatches from JankyVision.”

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Sales rep spends 27 of 40 minutes wrapping up call

Sales rep spends 27 of 40 minutes wrapping up call

PORTLAND – Northwest region sales rep Rick Bolton spent nearly three-fourths of a 40-minute phone call attempting to draw it



FAQ – Frequently Asked Questions at Q: Huh? A: What? Q: I didn’t quite get that. A: That was

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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