WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Face on Mars turns out to be somebody else

All the dots in the left image were bystanders who have since left the site.

PASADENA – Astronomers at Jet Propulsion Laboratories have confirmed that the fabled “face on Mars” was indeed a trick of light and not at all the face observers first perceived in low-resolution images from 1976.

“At the time, everybody thought it was Ali MacGraw or some very advanced humanoid extraterrestrial,” said Lance Lominlon, lead analyst for JPL’s new Folklore division. “Now, with much higher quality images we can definitively say that it’s someone more like Bill Pullman or a Roman emperor.”

Lominlon believes that the phenomenon of the face was wishful thinking because of the limited lighting conditions and angles from which we could observe the Martian landscape. “It’s a classic case of mistaken identity. You can see where the shadows would have fallen to make you think it looked one way, but that doesn’t hold up. What’s there now and looks like a face has nothing to do with our original perception, and we can therefore put the whole thing to rest.”

For decades since the first image appeared, amateur astronomers have speculated about what might actually be on the surface of Mars. Some believed that the “face” was a structure built by a highly developed civilization, designed as a calling card to signal their presence. The new evidence suggests that the features present on the outcropping are purely coincidental.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Last place team in league of 4 makes playoffs

Last place team in league of 4 makes playoffs

TANNER, CA – Despite a season of zero wins and mostly shutouts, Tanner Little League team Doug’s Team has made

Restaurateur’s plan to save endangered animals: make them delicious

Restaurateur’s plan to save endangered animals: make them delicious

AUROCHS – A local entrepreneur and wildlife enthusiast has a radical suggestion to stave off the extinction of threatened species:

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top