WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Escalator also functions as stairs

There are reportedly parts of the world where people already get this.

INDIANAPOLIS – Airport officials have installed signs to educate travelers that the escalator, while used largely for its mobility feature, has an additional capability to transport passengers via a manual method, walking.

“Sometimes people are trying to catch a flight, or, you know, just get where they’re going,” said Solomon Corbett, a concourse efficiency consultant. “Others standing on the escalator while it glides slowly up or down often are not aware of this extra service mode. They might even be standing to one side, but their luggage is blocking the rest of the navigable part of the stairs.”

Corbett designed the signs, which are somewhat effective but ignored by many. His company plans to upgrade the signs with multiple languages, and has an implementation strategy that involves tasers.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

More setbacks in testing and production of lead shower curtain

More setbacks in testing and production of lead shower curtain

GALENA – PlumBob Home Industries announced today that it has indefinitely suspended production of its lead shower curtain line. “We’ve

Hoo, Boy

Hoo, Boy

MEDFORD – Oh, man. I just… whew. It’s like, whoa. This isn’t even… I don’t know how to … sigh

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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