WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Earth to occupants: I’ll be fine. You, not so much

EARTH – The planet on which every known organism lives sent an open letter to all of them today, assuring that it would prevail despite our concerns.

“I really appreciate your initiatives to ‘save the planet’, but it’s simply not necessary,” said Earth. “Whatever the outcome of this whole climate thing, I will do alright.”

“Your individual plight as residents on my surface, however, is another story. Argue all you want, it doesn’t make any difference to me. To be honest, I wouldn’t miss you at all. I am simply a globe of rock and iron, and sentimentality has never been my strong suit.”

The planet Earth, which is the third from the sun and the only one known so far that has ever hosted life, claims to have only two fears: collisions with massive objects like moon-size asteroids, and eventual consumption by an expanding, dying sun in a few billion years.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

One Response

  1. Anonymous

    I always knew you were molten to the core.

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Earth to occupants: I’ll be fine. You, not so much
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Earth to occupants: I’ll be fine. You, not so much

EARTH – The planet on which every known organism lives sent an open letter to all of them today, assuring

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