WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Dogs poop. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

CROSSVILLE, TN – Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry this happened. We always assumed that you would figure out facts of life like this from a distance. If there was any way we could take this moment back, we would.

You see, dogs are different from people in many ways. One of those ways is that they poop out in the open, like here in our yard. I truly wish you could have learned about it from a safe distance. Instead, you have made that discovery firsthand.

Miss Mitzi was wandering around the back yard, looking for a place to do her business, and you followed along blissfully unaware of what would soon come to pass. Ordinarily, in the course of human events, we see a dog taking care of nature and sidestep the aftermath. Being your first encounter with this phenomenon, your marched bravely ahead and stepped right in it.

It’s a consolation that you immediately picked up on the repulsive qualities of dog poop, meaning we were able to reach you in time before you interacted any further with it. That said, the shoes are a complete loss. There is no amount of cleaning and sterilization that can compensate for the trauma that has befallen them.

If Mitzi could apologize, perhaps she would. However, given the impunity with which she regularly befouls the lawn, I would not cling to that notion.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

One Response

Popular
Mud wins in landslide
WEATHER

Mud wins in landslide

LAHAR, WA – In a major movement of his campaign’s ground game, Rock Fallon eliminated all opponents in what had

High speed chase ends well
CRIME

High speed chase ends well

LOS ANGELES – The high-speed pursuit of an alleged armed robber ended without incident today when the suspect pulled over.

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top