WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Dog holding it until owner leaves

GLENDALE, AZ – Daisy, a 9-year-old Weimaraner is just going to sit tight until her human caretakers have left the premises, even though she urgently needs to relieve herself.

For the third time in as many weeks, Daisy intends to leave unwanted deposits in the laundry room and perhaps the downstairs hallway for unknown reasons. Her caretakers have speculated, but have no rational answers. Discussions with Daisy have proved fruitless.

“The weather is not different. It’s been nice lately,” said Alice Sparks, who has raised Daisy since she was a puppy. “Last couple of times she did this I tried to get her to go outside and she gave me that ‘Nah, I’m good’ look.”

“It’s not like she’s tired,” said Alice’s husband, Dan. “Soon as we get home, she’ll bound right up the steps and back down again when we let her out, prancing around the yard like we don’t all know she just left a pile in the basement.”

The Sparks have considered the possibility of installing a security camera to perform surveillance on Daisy’s activity while they’re gone. A friend told them that it was a ridiculous idea, and that more frequent walks might do Daisy good. They are reportedly taking the advice under consideration.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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