WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

“Do Puzzles Not Drugs” pen looks fun to try while high

ANCHORAGE, AK – Wesley Dublichuk found a 3D maze pen in his car that urged him to do puzzles and not drugs, and now he can only wonder what it would be like to solve the puzzle high.

Dublichuk describes himself as “not a stoner, but a guy who partakes in the bud now and then.” The 26-year-old pizza delivery driver probably picked up the pen on one of his many stops during a shift.

“Come to think of it, probably the doctor’s office,” said Dublichuk. “You know they’ve always got colorful knick-knacks by the reception desk. Yeah, I’m thinking it was there.”

Dublichuk has no immediate plans to procure marijuana in order to indulge his hypothesis, but he says he will hang on to it just in case.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Mars Rover electrocuted digging into power main

Mars Rover electrocuted digging into power main

MARS – The Phoenix Mars Lander was zapped today when it dug without authorization on the planet’s surface and struck

Toyota Priapus goes 4 hours on a charge

Toyota Priapus goes 4 hours on a charge

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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