BELTSVILLE, MD – The U.S. Department of Vague Admonitions (DVA) has issued an urgent bulletin, the contents of which are not yet fully known.
“There’s definitely something going on out there, but we don’t have all the facts in just yet,” said DVA director Hamilton Hobbs. “We can’t get into specifics here, but we want the public to stay on highest alert.”
Recommendations from the bulletin included limiting travel, but not staying indoors. Mass transit should be alright, but not if you’re going to a grocery store or any place where people eat food that has been or could in the future be processed. Change any passwords that contain a vowel.
Be careful with any magazines, pets or things you might come in contact with for the next three hours to 14 months. Maybe bring a sweater. Have duct tape and spray sunscreen on hand at all times. Do not look out windows. Have a family meeting to decide which one you would offer to cannibals in the event of apocalypse.
“There’s nothing to be worried about, just go about your day like usual,” said Hobbs. “Just keep your eyes open and report anything suspicious. Try not to brush your teeth or use a phone for the next few days.”