WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Declassified Memo: Katrina determined to strike in U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC – A recently declassified Presidential Daily Briefing dated August 26, 2005 details advance intelligence of Hurricane Katrina’s plans to strike with unprecedented cataclysmic force in the continental United States in the coming days.

“We were warned,” said Dave McMurtry, weather reporter for the KZ-100 Morning Zoo. “This was not a failure of intelligence.”

“No one could have foreseen this,” said a government official under condition of anonymity. “Except the meteorologists and news services who did, but infighting within the agencies delayed the message. Somebody should have done something.”

The President’s Daily Brief (PDB) is a top-secret document provided each morning to the President of the United States by the Director of National Intelligence. It provides the president with intelligence warranting attention.

Reports indicate that future PDB memos may include a recommendation to watch or read the news.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Obesity epidemic in zoo linked to vending machines in enclosures

Obesity epidemic in zoo linked to vending machines in enclosures

CHARLOTTE, NC – Zookeepers at the River Zoo in Charlotte have expressed growing concerns about the animals’ access to snack

New bin Laden mix tape inexplicably omits Sugarhill Gang

New bin Laden mix tape inexplicably omits Sugarhill Gang

LANGLEY, VA – A new, as yet unauthenticated mix tape from Osama bin Laden purports to be a definitive collection

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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