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SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
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Death Star gunner fired for missing planet

KESSELTON – An Imperial gunner was stripped of his rank and position, and stands to be court martialed for dereliction of duty when he charged and fired the main superlaser, missing the designated target.

Eric Tarkin, Jr. will await a decision in cell block 1138 while Death Star leadership debates his future. Tarkin’s career began with whisperings of nepotism, given his father’s close relationship to a Grand Moff.

Tarkin and co-gunner Kallin Osha were to have annihilated Jankoo, a peaceful world that produces Snark for the Empire. The planet became a target as the result of a bet between senior officers, and posed no threat to the station or the Empire.

In his defense, Tarkin claims that aiming is extraordinarily difficult when the gargantuan moon-sized weapon has to be rotated in its entirety.

“I suggested months ago that we install some mirrors or rotary servomotors, something that would allow us to direct the superlaser,” he said. “It’s a real vulnerability in terms of responsiveness.”

His attorney expects that Tarkin could be incarcerated for a very long time, or even terminated, unless something extraordinary happens.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Drug cartels moving over to printer ink

Drug cartels moving over to printer ink

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Honk if you’re spawning

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