WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Customer perfectly happy with cable company service

SIMPSONVILLE, OH – A cable subscriber has been found who is completely content with his or her provider’s service, offerings, and billing practices.

The customer, who has not been named for privacy reasons, has service through Cantagi Cable, which has a practical monopoly in that market.

Transcripts from the customer’s feedback revealed profound satisfaction with every aspect of Cantagi’s enterprise.

“I’m very pleased with the number and variety of channels. Everything listed seems interesting to me in some way, so I’m not overwhelmed at all by content irrelevant to me. It therefore makes complete sense to be paying the amount I am,” said the customer in a survey that he or she apparently filled out voluntarily.

The customer has Cantagi’s Quadruple Whammy Xtra Bazinga service, which for $129 a month provides 947 channels in 3 languages, On Demand viewing of downmarket movies, and free previews for content available on additional premium channels.

“The process of installation was pleasant. All the additional charges and delays were entirely appropriate. Every interaction with a Cantagi Cable representative has been enjoyable and productive.”

The customer pays an extra $10 a month for an HD cable box, and $11 a month for a cable router that enables the Cantagi Super Whizbang Internet Kablam Megabit internet service, which provides 1 Mbps service for an additional $45 a month.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

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