WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Crowding forces merger of adjacent train stations

SHOPPING CENTER OAKS – Rapid development between suburban municipalities has brought their light rail depots together.

“Rather than build completely new stations in between, we just extended the existing ones a few hundred yards,” said Dave Rankles, spokesperson for the Suburban Park Railway Line (SPRawL). “Now the conductor can just stop wherever people are waiting.”

Several blocks of housing will be torn down near each new segment to accommodate parking for people who do not live close to the rail lines.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

White House to pre-discredit all future employees

White House to pre-discredit all future employees

WASHINGTON, DC – After the release of former press secretary Scott McClellan’s embarrassing and accusatory memoir What Happened, the White

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article

Headline Alludes To Astonishing Fact Found Nowhere In Article

NEW YORK, NY – A lengthy article published today promised an explosive revelation that pertains to millions of readers. But

The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
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