WEATHER: Might rain, might not – hard to say. Chance of sun and/or clouds, temps between -46 and 120℉
TRAFFIC: Bad where you are, also other places. Stay home
HOROSCOPE: Chance favors the prepared. Don’t buy into vague generalities. Reject platitudes and forge your own path. We’ve been over this.
SPORTS: Local major league franchise scores more points than other local franchise. Losing coach: “We should have scored more points.”
EVENTS: Your friend’s band that you have no intention of ever seeing is playing tonight. There’s some kind of loud festival going on this weekend and you won’t be able to park anywhere near the farmer’s market
MARKETS: ₳ 86.7 ㏎ 53.09 ㏄ 2.4 ⅐ 4.6 ㏒ 808 ☈ 10.0 ㎏ 3gd ₤ 902.25 ü 21.12 ฿ AFL1-3603 ℗ 19.84 ℀ x86 ッ3.14159 ℅ 2.718 § .57721 ‱ 4.6692 € 6.66 ₩ 1.618 ⅜ a2+b2=c2 ₭ ¤ ₴ ㎡ 69 ø 420 ⌫ 555 ∄ XIV ⌘ 24/7/365 ə
POLITICS: Holy crap, how does this keep getting worse
SCIENCE: Revolutionary medical breakthrough still ten to twenty years away

Crosswalk buttons now accepting credit cards

SKINNING, MI –  Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Maybe it didn’t have its credit card.

Pedestrians, however, have a new technology at crossings thanks to city council members who voted to have them installed. “Crossing the street is no different from parking there,” said Alton Shruggs, council chair for Skinning. “And you pay for that.”

Shruggs and other council members have not responded to allegations that the crossing buttons did nothing in the first place. Critics argue that the city’s crosswalks have only placebo buttons meant to give pedestrians the illusion of control.

Neither have council members responded to questions about the ownership of the card swipers, how they were purchased, and where the proceeds from the crosswalks will go.

“All of this is part of our forward-looking vision to make this a world-class city,” said Shruggs.

Several jaywalkers have been arrested since implementation of the crosswalk swipers, as it is now a collection of felonies in Skinning, including theft, reckless endangerment, obstruction of justice and attempted vehicular homicide. Civil rights attorneys have indicated that they are keen to consult with council members as soon as possible.

Muligan Stewart

Muligan Stewart

Mulligan types neatly and is punctual. He graduated summa cum dolus from William Gaines School of Journalism. Do not ever touch his stereo.

Popular
Three things in your kitchen that might be killing you – #3 made my jaw drop!
FEAR

Three things in your kitchen that might be killing you – #3 made my jaw drop!

Our households are full of things that are dangerous, but most are placed in a way that poses little immediate

NASA: Previously unseen side of Mercury also covered with craters
SPACE

NASA: Previously unseen side of Mercury also covered with craters

OUTER SPACE – In a flyby of planet Mercury, MESSENGER spacecraft took some pictures that established definitively the existence of

Advertisement
Categories
Archives
0.0
BY THE NUMBERS
The average amount of seconds a reader will squint at a confusing statistic before giving up
Scroll to top